Don't touch that!
by Musicgirl xxx
Summary: A set of Leverage rules from amusement around the office and between the team. No pairings, just a bit of fun. T for a little bit of violence from the team but not very graphic.
1. Rules 1-15

This is one of my first purely humour based fanfictions so please be nice to me and be constructive. Constructive comments are always welcomed. If you have any ideas for rules then PM me or leave them on a review.

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><p>The list appeared in the aftermath of the incident that prompted the first rule of the Leverage team's headquarters. After the kitchen was refitted and repainted the piece of paper was noticed inside one of the cupboards. It was only when Nate tried to remove the list that they realised it had been stuck to the inside of the cupboard door when the paint was wet and now that it had dried, it was not budging an inch. After much discussion, it was decided that the list was actually a good idea and that it should remain, not that there was much choice in the matter unless Nate wanted to refit the cupboard door again.<p>

**1. Never ever under ANY circumstances should Parker be in possession of a blow torch.**

**Addition to Rule 1. And if she ever is then run in the opposite direction as fast as you possibly can and call the fire brigade.**

The aftermath of Parker's little remodelling of the kitchen was full of physical and psychological damage, most of the former occurring to the kitchen itself which had to be entirely refitted, much to Nate's displeasure. Hardison suffered the most psychological damage, although he hadn't actually been in the room at the time. One of his beloved pieces of technology had been sitting on the counter and its loss had caused irreversible damage to the hacker. Eliot's look of horror and anger at the destruction of the kitchen that was most used by him should have caused the blonde thief psychological damage but she just shrugged it off and bounced off to experiment someplace else, which, frankly, should have worried the others more than it did. Her quick exit, probably into the air vents, saved her from any physical damage that could have occurred.

**2. Hardison's technology is not a toy for a baby. Don't make it one.**

One con had seen Eliot ending up holding the baby, literally. Turns out hitters weren't trained to fight and entertain a baby at the same time. To stop it from pulling his hair and trying to chew on his fingers, Eliot had, in desperation, plopped the baby down in a safe corner of the room in which he was fighting off the security and given the little girl the only thing he had on him to keep her busy and quiet. Unfortunately for Eliot, that one thing had been the phone that Hardison had given him. When he turned around the baby was chewing and slobbering over the phone with gusto. Several lectures and a new phone later and it was safe to say that Eliot would never make that mistake again.

**3. Do not, if you value your life, zone out during one of Sophie's lecture, there will be questions later.**

Nate had made this very mistake and had woken up the next morning to find all his coffee and alcohol missing as well as all of his clothes apart from the pyjamas he had been wearing. Turns out the lecture had been on his choice of clothing that day and his drink. No one could say that Sophie's revenge wasn't relevant.

**4. Parker, the air vents are not a suitable place to observe a briefing from and would you please stop spying on me.**

This was in Nate's annoyed handwriting. Parker had created a nest of blankets in the vents above Nate's office and refused to leave them unless she had a job to do. No one was quite sure what she was eating but all the cereal was missing from the kitchen and crunching sounds kept coming out of the vents.

**5. No, NO! Don't use a stink bomb to get her out Eliot!**

This rule was written too late to have any effect this time. Clearly the hitter hadn't thought this one through completely but, in his defence, he was very annoyed. Parker had taken to sitting above his office and dropping little rocks that she had gotten from goodness knows where to test his durability and reflexes. She still wouldn't come out of the vents and so in went the stink bomb. Unfortunately, while it did get Parker out of the vents, the smell also came out of the vents and filled the whole of the offices. A deep clean, many cans of air freshener and several showers later and only a faint smell remained but Eliot still got grumpy looks from the rest of the team, especially Sophie, who still hadn't managed to get the smell out of her clothes.

**6. Nate, put Old Nate back. Now!**

The painting that was despised by the mastermind had mysteriously disappeared but Nate looked too smug and Hardison was going to get that painting back.

**Addition to Rule 6. Don't touch Old Nate. Ever.**

Parker was poking again. Hardison was very protective of his masterpiece. Enough said.

**7. Just because they are wearing a uniform doesn't mean you can taser them Parker.**

The marine sergeant had been in their side until he had met Parker. After recovering from the zap he proceeded to chase Parker around the ship. Parker enjoyed the game very much but the marine sergeant was furious. Needless to say those aliases wouldn't be used again.

**8. Hardison put the technology back.**

The latest con had seen Hardison tacking possession of a lab and buildings full of cutting edge technology. It had all been fine until the military had reported thefts. It had taken persuasion, threats and finally Parker stealing the stuff back from Hardison and returning it to its rightful owners to get the military off their tail. Hardison was still pouting but Parker looked oddly pleased with herself. No one asked why, sometimes it was better not to know.

**9. When I said create a diversion, I did not mean A) start the sprinklers filled with an unknown substance, B) punch the guys in the face, or C) release pigeons in the room. You ruined my clothes; they are now covered in said unknown substance, blood and bird poo. Fix it.**

It appeared that Sophie had a different idea of a diversion to Eliot, Hardison and Parker, and where Nate had been was unknown, and the three of them were now in her bad books for ruining yet another of her outfits. Credit where credit's due, they did create diversions but it wasn't quite what Sophie had imagined when she started the day. The pile of dirty clothes were dumped before the three with the order to fix it before Sophie turned on her heel and marched out, the effect ruined by the squeak of her heels where the unknown substance was on them.

**10. No not with the hose, you idiots! That was vintage, dry cleaning only!**

Apparently Sophie's idea of fixing it also differed from the three's. The clothes were pinned on a line and a hose directed at them. Nate and Sophie had walked out to see what they were doing and got drenched as were the clothes. Sophie's glare was legendary was she seethed, grabbed her clothes and marched out, once again squeaking. Parker's comment of "Oh well, you should have said so!" didn't help the situation either. Nate considered asking but thought it was best not to.

**11. Eliot is not a coat stand. Don't use him as one.**

They weren't sure why Eliot had written in third person but they were all too scared to ask at the moment, well except Parker, but she either hadn't noticed or didn't care. Nate, Sophie, Hardison and Parker had all walked in at the same time one morning, talking. They put their coats where the coat stand usually was except it wasn't the coat stand. No one was quite sure what Eliot had been doing and no one asked but the growl from under the coats had scared all but Parker. She just shrugged and said she guessed that Eliot didn't like being the new coat rack before skipping off to get some cereal. The other three tried to apologise but Eliot just growled again and stomped off. The new rule had appeared the next day in very angry, scrawled handwriting.

**12. Never eat the last of the cereal**

Nate read the rule and shuddered. That had been a bad day. Turns out a sugar deprived Parker was a nightmare. She was grumpy lethargic and snapped all the time. Not even the prospect of jumping off a skyscraper or stealing money for the job could cheer her up and her miserable mood had been frankly unnerving. Hardison had disappeared and refused to return until all was normal again, claiming they were aliens and in some alternate universe. The others figured he had been up all night on another video game. Sophie made an emergency trip to the store for sugary cereal and Parker was back to normal the next morning but still they made sure that they were never out of cereal again.

**13. For the love of God! If there's a big red button, just don't press it. We don't care if you wondered what it did...**

The angry message tailed off but Parker was still receiving angry glares from the other four who hadn't been quite as lucky as her. The spectacular explosion that followed her pushing the button had been unexpected but everyone still made it out safely. Unfortunately for Parker, even though she made it further than the others and enjoyed the explosion, ... What it was big and red! ... the other four hadn't made it so far and we're all slightly singed. Parker took to hiding in the vents until Sophie and Eliot stopped their fuming over the damage to their hair.

**14. NO! No more clothes! ... Or shoes!**

Nate had been trying to find the dusters ... What?! Even criminals/good guys needed to clean once in a while ... when he opened the closet door. And was completely swamped by clothes and boxes of shoes that poured out and buried him underneath. Once he managed to dig his way out, he checked all the other previously unused storage rooms and found them all exactly the same. He then stomped down the stairs, attracting the attention of all the other members of the team, yanked open the kitchen cupboard door with a bang and scribbled something down on the list. He then slammed the door closed with a bang that made Hardison and Sophie flinch and stormed off someplace else.

**15. Never ever try to 'Steal a Hardison' ever again! Or else ...**

Hardison had become wrapped up in the latest video game once again and, when needed for a job, had been unavailable. This had resulted in Parker and Eliot having to use alternative methods that Sophie didn't even want to think about. How those two had ... This had led to Nate, who had been surprisingly perceptive to the anger of the team, masterminding a very good plot to get Hardison out of his video game induced trance. Unfortunately for Hardison, a still angry Parker and Eliot were involved and had been a little more heavy handed than Nate had planned and Hardison had been very adverse to the whole idea in the first place. He had lost his game and orange soda had been spilt. Needless to say the rule appeared very soon afterwards and Hardison refused to talk to the two directly for a week whilst they looked very smug the whole time.

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><p>This was inspired by albert12 's stories in principle although this all comes from me. I hope I captured the characters right. It is unbeta'd so apologies for any mistakes. If you like it please review.<p> 


	2. Rules 16-30

**16. Never again is Eliot allowed to be a translator. EVER**

The Russian mafia hadn't been very impressed with the appearance of the team in an area that they most definitely shouldn't have been in but Eliot had been pushed forward to be the translator. He seemed to be doing well until the point where it all went wrong. And judging by the look on Eliot's face when the Russians' moods changed fast enough to give them whiplash, whatever he had been trying to say hadn't come across right. He switched onto the defensive quick enough but he ended up with quite a few nasty bruises that Parker insisted on poking at. It was only after growling that he remember what he had said. Insulting the mothers of the Russian mafia obviously wasn't the best idea; he filed that away to remember in the future. Maybe they were mummy's boys...

**17. No practicing kung fu Eliot stuff on Hardison**

And there was that damn third person writing again. Still no one saw fit to take it up with a fuming Hardison. Eliot had been training Parker in different styles of fighting, given the fact that she had a high propensity to get herself into situations that required it. Unfortunately after that first demonstration on Hardison, Parker had apparently decided he was an easy target and that sneaking up on him and trying to take him down was now her new favourite thing to do when they had some downtime. Hardison didn't agree with this, although Eliot seemed to find it greatly amusing and could be seen smirking long after a battered and bruised Hardison had scrambled away from the scene of his latest assault. Secretly Nate found it quite amusing but he put his foot down when Hardison ended up with a black eye.

**18. Sneaking up on Parker ... Very bad idea.**

In all fairness, Hardison should have known better but he had been fed up with the sneak attacks and decided to get his own back, hence the black eye and Nate putting his foot down. Parker had been training longer than he had realised and took him down with one punch. A punch straight in his face. She then proceeded to tell him that it wasn't a very good idea to sneak up on her because she was training to be a ninja just like Eliot was. She then pranced off elsewhere; Hardison groaned, closed his eyes and let his head fall back onto the floor. Nate had been wondering why Hardison was lying on the floor in the middle of his apartment/offices but the glare from Hardison stopped him asking. He wondered why he was the one who always ended up on the end of these glares.

**Addition to Rule 18. Same ... goes for ... Eliot...**

No one was quite sure when Hardison got around to writing this down but they had more pressing matters to attend to than that. This time Hardison hadn't even been trying to sneak up on Eliot. He was only going to ask him to try and persuade Parker to stop attacking him, thinking that she would listen to him, but he was obviously quieter than he thought he was. He was still wary of being attacked again and Eliot hadn't heard him come up behind him at the stove. Poor Hardison ended up with a matching black eye and a concussion from the saucepan that Eliot had just been about to use. As he fell, he caught another pan's handle and it flipped, covering him in the sauce Eliot had been making. Nate had to stop Eliot from killing Hardison whilst telling him he was lucky he hadn't killed him already for sneaking up on him and then try and bring the Hacker around. Needless to say, after the incident Hardison stomped much more and everyone, Eliot included, always knew when he was coming.

**19. No Sophie, we can't kidnap that poor man. He was only saying what he thought... No, no! Don't hit me! Stop!**

Sophie was highly upset with the latest review from a critic over one of her plays that she had once again subjected the team too. They were inclined to agree with the normally mild mannered critic, apparently this play changed that by the looks of the review, but they all had more self-preservation instincts than that, even Parker. Nate had been the one to try and stop her from enacting a plan to kidnap the man and make him change his mind and ended up being beaten to the floor by Sophie's handbag. He was left, again, thinking 'Why me?'

**20. Money is not the solution to life and everything Parker, and it won't stop Eliot being beaten up by bad guys.**

No one was quite sure how or why Parker had gone prancing, no literally prancing, into the warehouse where Eliot was battling a seemingly constant stream of bad guys, announcing that she had money and she wasn't afraid to use it. The one remaining bad guy not already unconscious on the floor and Eliot had stared at her in utter confusion and shock before Eliot knocked the bad guy out whilst proclaiming that there was something wrong with her.

**21. Who gave Parker sugar?! Sophie, you were meant to be watching her.**

Apparently this was the reason for Parker odd, and if it was odd for Parker then there really was something wrong, behaviour with the money. Sophie had been browsing online stores looking at shoes so Parker had snuck off and, for some reason, had started eating sugar by the spoonful straight form the bag. This had sent the thief hyper and had provoked her latest escapade. Still, no one knew what she had been planning to do with the money, Parker would never willingly give her money away, and Nate was curious but considering where interrupting had left him last time, read: in a crumpled heap on the floor, he decided he would be safer escaping to sit in the bar in peace and stare longingly at the alcohol.

**22. Stop trying to set me up with people, Sophie. If I wanted to go out with someone I would find a date myself.**

Nate had just spent the last hour having a woman a good 10 years younger than him cry into his shoulder, recounting her last tragic breakup. Where Sophie found these women he didn't know but if he had to guess he would say they were involved in acting in some way. And if they weren't then they should be; there was so very impressive dramatics when the waitress brought a salad with too much lettuce in it. Never ever again. Still, the rest of the team seriously debated that second part but all wisely kept their mouths shut.

**23. Don't you dare say I told you so.**

The rule was self-explanatory to the whole team. Nate had decided to prove he could get a date of his own. He returned to the apartment not even 30 minutes later with a massive purple bruise all across his left cheek and a glare that could rival an angry Eliot's. The rule appeared later that evening and Nate was conspicuously absent for the rest of the evening, although as soon as he disappeared the rest of the team dissolved into snickers with Hardison pulling up the security footage so they could watch it again in technicolour.

**24. Nate, unblock the doorway - Sophie**

This was written in Parker's handwriting, obviously having been delivered and written by her from Sophie as Sophie couldn't get in due to the blocked doorway. Why Parker had decided to write it where it probably wouldn't be seen instead of telling Nate, they weren't sure. Nate appeared to have gotten fed up of his apartment being invaded by the rest of the team and had taken measures into his own hands. He had forgotten to board up the vents though, hence how Parker got in.

**25. No, Eliot put the saw down ...**

Nate wrote that rule down when he saw Eliot on the security camera. Parker had gotten distracted and forgotten to let the team in and Sophie and Hardison were getting withdrawal symptoms form their clothes and gadgets respectively. Eliot took matters into his own hands. No one questioned where he got the saw from.

**26. Tinsel is not an appropriate substitute for a rope.**

Parker was in the festive mood, enough said really. How the tinsel had held her weigh though was anyone's guess. Parker must have reinforced it somehow but even with the sparkly colourful substitute rope she still moved stealthily with cat like grace and completed her mission seamlessly.

**27. Stop scaring Hardison with knives, Eliot**

This was written by Nate, he was slightly worried that one or the other would snap and then he would have a body to hide. Eliot had taken to twirling knives between his fingers at any moment and it was really creeping Hardison out. Every time he caught a flicker of silver he would be sliding away from Eliot in what he thought was a casual manner but really was blatantly obvious. Eliot's wolfish grin wasn't helping matters either but the hacker was staying well away from the hitter's stuff so Nate figured that that was a pro.

**28. And stop hiding in the dark.**

It didn't affect most of the team as they were used to it but Sophie had been caught unawares and her piercing scream had woken Nate up from a relatively peaceful sleep. Nate was angry, Sophie was scared and a bit embarrassed and Eliot had disappeared to avoid Nate's lecture.

**29. Hardison... stop with the cat videos.**

Apparently their resident hacker had found the multiple cat videos on you tube. Unfortunately for the rest of the team he had decided to get his own back on them by spamming their emails with it. Parker was ok, she never checked her email, but the other three were annoyed and someone had to interrupt before Eliot's glare turned into violence.

**30. NO MORE CAROLS!**

Parker was still completely enamoured with the Christmas season and had Christmas carols playing on repeat. Hardison was very distracted from his work to the point where the rule appeared. Parker retreated to the vents but carols still emanated from them sporadically causing the hacker's annoyed shouts. If the quiet laughter was anything to go by then the thief was finding it greatly amusing.

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><p>Massive thanks to , ZukiShi, floralisette and OraclePrincess for reviewing this story. If anyone has any ideas for rules then PM me. Unbeta'd so apologies for any mistakes.<p> 


	3. Rules 31-44

Thanks to athea781, Tacodestroyeravenger, hamalaka and for the reviews and ideas.

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><p><strong>31. Parker, put the poor lady down. She was just trying to do her job. No really, she's a security guard and she thought you were trying to steal the merchandise. Oh, you know what, none of that matters, just PUT HER DOWN!<strong>

Parker had been in the process of trying to interrogate a poor security guard who had thought she was stopping a thief, well technically she was but Parker hadn't stolen anything this time, well from that store she hadn't, anyway that wasn't the point, and Parker, who had been fleeing from some mobsters, thought that the security guard was one of them. Eliot managed to intervene and Sophie smoothed ruffled feathers. Quite honesty, you do not want to know how she did that.

**32. Eliot, put the spatula down!**

Parker and Hardison had been lurking in the kitchen. Eliot had been cooking. He could watch both of them at the same time and they were tag teaming him. They were just thankful that he hadn't used the knife. Their fingers were very valuable to them. Enough said.

**33. Who put the cow bell on Parker?! Whoever it was could they please remove it immediately. While it makes her easier to find, it's going to blow her cover.**

By the time Nate owned up to it, he'd been trying to keep the peace, Parker had already gone. She returned not thirty minutes later with the papers, not a sound and a massive smile on her face. Hardison had a shell shocked look on his face having been listening over the comms and no having heard a sound. The bell was still there but suspiciously silent. Nate removed it and shook it experimentally, only to hear the bell clanging away.

**34. Parker is not a ninja, Hardison. Stop insisting that it's her new code name over comms, it's really distracting.**

After the previous incident, the hacker was convinced that the blonde was a secret ninja. Nate and Sophie were fed up and Parker was strangely proud.

**Addition to Rule 34. On the other hand...**

No one was sure how Parker had literally disappeared from in front of their noses and those of the security guards who were trying to manhandle her out of the building but the next time the team saw her was when they returned to the apartment to see her handing upside down from the staircase like a blonde bat, with the papers sat on the stairs beside her. There were no arguments the next time Hardison called her a ninja. Parker looked even more proud.

**35. Never ever let the coffee run out.**

The apartment/offices took on a glacial atmosphere and Sophie swore never to forgo the food shopping for the sales ever again. Nate apparently ran on coffee and became grouchy and non-functioning. You were lucky if you got a grunt as a response. The shock was Parker who liked her caffeine. While she could live without it, she held a grudge and blamed Sophie for the lack of one of her staples. When the glares got too much, she made a quick trip to the shops.

**Addition to Rule 35. Decaf doesn't fool Parker so don't even try it. She knows the difference.**

Sophie's protests of the fact that it was the only one left in the shop, what shop she went to they didn't know, were ignored and the offending pot of coffee took a little trip out of the window. That mistake was never made again and caffeinated coffee was consumed from then on. The problem was what the coffee pot hit. Nate wondered whether he had been drinking again when he saw a coffee pot fall out of the sky. He was still contemplating it when it hit him on the head. Hard.

**36. Nate doesn't do dancing. Stop trying Sophie.**

Why Sophie had dragged Nate out dancing was anyone's guess but a blind man could see he was not happy about that. Hardison's face tracking software found him and, most surprisingly, it was Parker who went to save him. If you call setting off the fire alarm and squawking threateningly from the vent, before bundling both Nate and Sophie into a car and driving them at breakneck speeds back to the apartment. Needless to say, Sophie was very angry and everyone was left questioning Parker's sanity once again.

**37. Hardison? Why does your office door bark and growl every time someone tries to open it? Please stop it. It won't stop and Eliot is trying to out growl it.**

Hardison, the team was convinced, had finally lost it. All he had wanted was to be left alone in peace, so somehow he rigged motion sensors on the door handle and recorded the bark of a dog. He was so absorbed in his game that he didn't notice when he accidently pressed the button (yes, it was red) that set the sound to constant. Eliot was getting annoyed. Hardison's game ended very quickly.

**38. Never let Parker near fire. EVER.**

She will set fire to everything in the vicinity, including Sophie's shoes, Nate's tent, Eliot's jacket and Hardison's technology. Never again were they going camping.

**39. Don't use my knives**

Even though there was no name, everyone knew that it was from Eliot. Sophie was trying to make herself soup to commiserate herself for the loss of her shoes. Her fatal mistake, however was not treating the knives like they were the most important things in the world. The next thing anyone knew, Eliot was muttering over the knives and glaring at anyone who came within 10 feet. Sophie decided that maybe soup wouldn't help much.

**40. A little appreciation would be nice.**

Eliot was annoyed again. He didn't have a big ego, ahem!, but a little recognition for the pain he endured for the team would be appreciated. It may have had something to do with Parker's snickering at his ungainly landing after a rather angry lady decided to acquaint his face with her handbag. So maybe his ego was a little bruised...

**Addition to Rule 40. Stop sulking Hardison.**

Hardison wanted appreciation too. He was ignored again. He pulled off a truly amazing diva strop and stormed off, slamming the door behind him. The effect was ruined by the fact that the room he had just walked into was the closet. He could hear the laughter through the door but refused to come out until they were all gone. It was very late when Hardison crawled out of the closet.

**41. No more cushions.**

Cushions everywhere. No, literally everywhere. There were so many they were even in the vents, blocking the route, much to Parker's disgust. Sophie's reply was "But they were on sale."

**42. Sophie, stop using neurolinguistic programming on Eliot. It's just plain creepy.**

Sophie wanted more tea and biscuits. Eliot was taking the mick out of her for being British. She got her revenge. For Nate, Hardison and Parker, however, it was just strange to watch their resident hitter being creepily domestic while Sophie sat there like the princess she once pretended to be with a serene smile on her face. Parker started twitching. Hardison forgot all about the presentation. Nate wondered how he ever got involved with these people and once again wished he was still drinking.

**43. Stop quoting Star Trek Hardison.**

Hardison was starting to really wind up Eliot and if all the glaring and growling was anything to go by he may soon be a Hardison pancake. Sophie tried to intervene but Eliot was still a little sore about the whole neurolinguistic programming thing. It got added to the rules instead.

**44. You have got to stop scaring cashiers at the grocery store, Eliot.**

**Addition to Rule 44. And people in the line.**

Eliot was fed up of waiting for the people at the front of the line to stop chatting and wasting his time. Suddenly people around him were subtly shifting away and the poor terrified cashier was throwing items through the till so fast that they were almost thrown off the end of the till. Eliot sauntered up the till and paid. He was happy, he got his tomato juice.

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><p>Special thanks to Tacodestroyeravenger for the inspiration for Rule 35 and 40, to for Rule 39 and to athea781 for Rule 44. Unbeta'd so sorry for any mistakes.<p> 


	4. Rule 45

Just one in this update but I liked the idea so much and it became so long, that I had to make it a chapter of it's own. Hope you like it.

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><p><strong>45. Parker the vents are NOT your own private highway. People need some privacy otherwise things are going to start getting awkward. <strong>

Not that Parker would notice awkwardness. Sophie and Nate, however, had been seriously creeped out while watching TV together one night. Parker had, apparently, decided to camp out in the vents again if the distinct lack of cushions and blankets was anything to go by. The team decided to let it slide this time as she came out of them for briefings, although she didn't seem to be worried about the threat of another stink bomb and took her sweet time each time, leaving the team waiting for ages until they were sure she was not coming until they turned around and found her sitting on the sofa next to them, trying to see what they were looking for. It became easier not to ask or lecture, Nate!, and just go with it.

**Addition to Rule 45. I will kill you Parker! You better run.**

Nate walked past the still open cupboard door and did a double take. His common sense was telling him to walk right past it and ignore it but the more he tried to forget it, the more curious he became, especially as Eliot had been fuming that morning and Parker had been suspiciously absent. Nate would think that Eliot had killed her but he looked too angry still for that and so the mastermind decided to find out. He still had some common sense though and went to find the holder of all knowledge and information, what?! she had eyes and ears everywhere. Anyway, he went to find Sophie but, to his utter shock, she didn't know what had gone on but had a feeling it had happened in the bathroom.

He returned to his office only to find their blonde thief attempting to hide in his chair. Her head shot up when he entered, her whole body tense, but she relaxed when she saw it was only Nate. Nate wasn't sure whether to be flattered or insulted that the thief didn't seem him as a threat. When she recounted the tale in true Parker style, Nate began to wish that he had never asked.

**Addition 2 to Rule 45. Eliot would really appreciate it if you stopped spying on him Parker. He was furious and in quite a bit of pain after the 'incident never to be spoken of again', what?! that's what he called it. And yes, he knows it was you. Apparently you have a very 'distinctive giggle'.**

This message was written by Sophie who had obviously been the one that Eliot had gone to to complain. And yes, she had, honest to god, written in the quotation marks. As it turned out, Parker had decided to disrupt Eliot's shower. No, she didn't have a death wish, she was just bursting for the loo. However, Eliot nearly had a heart attack when she slipped out of the vent while he was in the shower and then proceeded to flush the loo. He almost killed himself trying to escape the, all of a sudden, ice cold water, tripping on the soap in the process, fighting the shower curtain with a ferocity that he usually reserved for their enemies and landed with none of his usual grace, next to the toilet on top of his displaced loofah that had gotten throw around in the scuffle, along with bottles of shampoo that were now leaking all over him. He had to take another shower, replaced the destroyed shower curtain and he still had the bruises to show for the ordeal. Although Parker was long gone, Eliot still knew it was her. If the getting past a locked door didn't give it away, especially when there was another toilet it the apartment, just to get to the loo, Parker apparently had a very distinctive giggle.

Hardison looked at the succession of new rules on the list with confusion and growing amounts of curiosity. He was interrupted by Nate passing him, patting his shoulder on the way and imparting the ever useful advice, "Just don't," with a shake of his head. He looked to Sophie for confirmation and she shook her head no as well. Poor Hardison hadn't a clue what was going on.

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><p>Thanks so much to athea781 who was the inspiration for all of this. I laughed so hard when I read the suggestion that I just had to write it and I hope I did it justice. This is unbeta'd so sorry for the mistakes.<p> 


	5. Rules 46-60

I apologise for not updating sooner. School work has been getting in the way once again and mock exams are a pain as always. Hope this makes up for it.

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><p><strong>46. God damn it! Stop poking my bruises, Parker.<strong>

Eliot still hadn't forgiven her for the shower incident and the bruises were still tender. Unfortunately for Eliot, it appeared that Parker still hadn't learnt her lesson when it comes to messing with the hitter (and probably never would) and had decided to sit next to him on the sofa for the briefing, despite his growling, in fact she even seemed to think that they had a dog and proceeded to spend a few minutes looking for it until Eliot plucked her from the floor and plonked her on the sofa a safe distance away from him. However, she edged closer and continued to poke him incessantly until she was extracted from certain death by Sophie for her lessons.

**47. Stop watching your creepy films at night Eliot.**

**Addition to Rule 47. Sorry Eliot um Sophie, I didn't mean to... Stop watching creepy films at night Sophie.**

The creepy movies woke up a very grumpy Nate. He traipsed down the stairs but could only see a head of brown hair over t sofa in the dark. Assuming it would be Eliot by the genre of film, he went back to bed and the rule appeared the next day. He wasn't sure if Eliot or Sophie was more insulted hence the very quick addition. Parker and Hardison found it hilarious. They even had a bowl of popcorn each to watch the fireworks, although they made sure they were at a safe distance. With those three, things could get explosive.

**48. Hardison, stop putting those damn tracker things on me or, so help me, I will crush them under my boot.**

Hardison was traumatised by this rule and spent a day in his office muttering about abuse and mistreatment and poor babies and daddy won't let that big bad man hurt you. The last one caused more than a few raised eyebrows until the door was slammed in their faces.

**Addition to Rule 48. Don't put them on me either or I'll crush you under my boot. Oh! I meant...**

Hardison had just recovered and emerged from his office only to see this and retreat once again. The others weren't sure whether Parker had actually meant it or not but they didn't intend to find out. Despite possibly scaring Hardison for life, the threats seemed to work as they no longer seemed to find tracking devices in strange places. They had been putting up with plucking them off and hiding them in different places to really annoy the hacker but when they started turning up in their hair, Parker's ropes and many more places that they didn't want to know how the hacker got them there and if they ever did find out then they may just kill him.

**49. Since when has there been a jungle on the roof. It's spoiling my run up.**

Nate wondered if they should all just admit themselves to a mental hospital when they realised they didn't even need to question this rule and just translated it from Parker speak to a normal person's language; for some reason Eliot had decided to speak Hebrew today, not that he was getting many answers to what the team assumed were questions. Anyway, it appeared that Eliot was trying to grow enough food to feed an army from the roof of the apartment complex alone. Parker had wanted to practice one of her jumps but, unfortunately for her, the entire roof was covered in plants and pot with only small meandering paths around it. Parker was sulking and told Eliot to move it.

**50. Not in my place!**

Eliot had found somewhere to move all the plants and judging by the massive smirk on his face and the even grumpier look on Parker's, it had been to her garage home. No one dared to ask how he got past her security but they heard Parker muttering about updating it and wisely steered well clear.

**Addition to Rule 50. No! Bad Parker! Don't put them in my place.**

It appeared that Parker had got her revenge on the resident hitter and the small jungle had been relocated to his apartment. It appeared that his space was much smaller than hers, however, as Eliot had fallen out of bed only to fall on top of his ornamental cactus. His entire apartment was covered, without even a walkway being left. The team was shocked and highly intrigued as to how the thief managed to get past Eliot's extensive security and pull it off, all without waking the hitter or knocking anything over. Eliot was fuming, and it some pain thanks to the cactus, and Parker looked incredibly smug for the whole week.

**51. Sophie, you may think that they are your kids but you can't threaten to ground them.**

Sophie pouted at this rule. How was she meant to keep them safe from the big bad world if she couldn't keep an eye on them and that was so much easier to do when they were all in the same place? Plus they had been naughty and needed to be punished. Nate shook his head but refrained from trying to dissuade her. The handbag incident was still burned into his mind.

**Addition to Rule 51. You are not my mother. Stop cooing over me when I get back from a job just because you think I'm injured and most definitely never threaten to spank me again.**

Even though it was written, when Nate saw it, he could almost hear cooing and spank being spat out by the hitter with as much distain as was humanly possible. It appeared that Parker and Hardison were taking the codling by Sophie better than Eliot was.

**Addition 2 to Rule 51. I am NOT a Barbie doll!**

Nate had spoken too soon once again. He could almost hear the statement in Parker's indignant voice. Actually, he really could hear it in Parker's indignant voice and it was coming from the vents. So that was where she had decided to hide to get away from Sophie and she was muttering again. At that moment, Nate heard Sophie calling for Parker in a baby voice and winced. Poor Parker. When Sophie asked him if he'd seen Parker he said he hadn't. Technically it wasn't a lie. He hadn't seen her, just heard her but he wasn't going to subject Parker to that again. Unsurprisingly, Parker wasn't found for a good few days and by the time she reappeared, they had a job and Sophie was distracted... for now.

**52. Don't touch my elephants!**

For some reason, Nate had a rather large collection of elephants that took up a whole shelf of his apartment. Nate was very protective of them so no one questioned it. They came in all shapes and sizes, made out of different materials and colours, and were quite impressive, if not a little creepy. Hardison decided to play with a few, he was one strange hacker and the others just went with it. Sometimes it was easier. No one thought Nate would notice the absences, there were so many there, but the first thing he said when he walked in the door was "Where's Donna and Jake?" with his eyes glued to the eli shelf as it was affectionately *note the sarcasm* known. He looked distraught. The others were very worried...

**53. Naw ... man! No more ... enforced ... fitness ... boot camps ... !**

You could literally hear the panting just reading the rule. After a job that went slightly wrong and ended with Hardison and Sophie hightailing it out of a building as fast as they could. Apparently though, that wasn't fast enough and Eliot had to jump to the rescue just before the thugs got them. Sophie blamed her heels, which was fair enough considering they were sky high and stilettos, but Hardison didn't have an excuse that Eliot deemed acceptable, hence the start of the enforced mandatory fitness regime sessions as Hardison like to call them. Eliot had yet to have to enforce them which everyone was very thankful for. Nate somehow got out of most of the sessions, Sophie turned out to actually be relatively fit and Parker was in her element. She was loving it and showing everyone, including Eliot, up in the fitness stakes. Hardison, however, was struggling to keep up on the runs and sparring just resulted in bruises upon bruises. No, he literally had bruises on his bruises, and he didn't even know that that had been physically possible. Eliot finally relented after Hardison collapsed on the floor and didn't move, even when his electronics were threatened.

**54. Parker, you've got to give the child back now.**

Even written on their rule list, it sounded reproachful. It didn't help that everyone expected it to be Sophie cooing over the toddler not Parker. Parker had sent in to steal the merchandise, or at least they had heard the man they were conning talk about it and where it was. When Parker got there, however, the only thing that was there was a toddler that most definitely didn't belong to anyone there and so Parker, in her slightly odd wisdom, decided to take him back with her. That wasn't the strange thing though, which was that when they got back to the apartment, Parker kept hold of him and took him into the vents with her. They could hear her mutterings and little chuckles from the toddler and what sounded slightly like nursery rhymes. Hardison located the toddler's parents but Parker was refusing to come out and was muttering things about teaching him everything she knew and Archie being proud. It took a full two hours to coax her out, the toddler, his name was Mark, laughing and giggling the whole time and throwing rocks out at anyone below the vent cover. He had obviously already learnt from Parker. The rest of the team pitied his poor parents.

**55. No monkeys, Hardison!**

Nate was going to make whoever introduced Hardison to agents of S.H.I.E.L.D regret it. Hardison had become very attached to Leo Fitz. From what Nate understood, he would have expected him to be more of a fan of Skye but the monkey's seemed to have sold him on Fitz. And maybe the cool gadgets helped. Unfortunately he now wanted a monkey and the seven dwarfs, Nate assumed he wasn't talking about the ones in the Disney film but beyond that he had no clue. What was most worrying was that Nate had seen the plans Hardison had drawn up to steal a monkey from the zoo. He was thinking again, why me!

**56. I am NOT Melinda May. Stop. NOW.**

Eliot was seriously unimpressed. Hardison's comment of "It's the hair, man!" just made things worse if Eliot's growling and very creative death threats were anything to go by. Nate was almost more worried about his muttering of "It could at least have been Grand Ward," or, at least he would have been if he knew what it meant.

**57. I don't know who he is but I am not Phil Coulson.**

Nate was confused and not really sure whether to be insulted or not but he decided that it was unprofessional to have strange names from what he decided must be that odd TV programme that the rest of the team seemed enamoured with.

**Addition to Rule 57. On the other hand...**

Nate had been sucked into watching the programme and decided that this Phil Coulson wasn't that bad after all. The rest of the team regretted letting Nate see it though as he seemed to want to try and recreate some of the plans and that could only go badly considering Nate had already been disillusioned into thinking he was skilled in martial arts and could shoot a gun like Agent Coulson could.

**58. HADRISON! I will kill you! That was Prada!**

Sophie was fuming, and poor Hardison was in the firing line. Mind you, it was his own fault. Him and his damn gummy frogs. Some must have fallen out of the packet when he had been eating them while sitting on the couch. It had been a sunny day and the sun had been shining brightly through the window, warming the couch nicely. Sophie decided to curl up in the sun and read a book, not noticing the squelch when she sat. It was only when she tried to stand and there was the sound of suction releasing did Sophie check the back of her expensive Prada dress to find melted gooey gummy frogs stuck to the back. Her shout could have been heard across the Atlantic and Eliot would swear that he was temporarily deaf in one ear.

**59. No more sparkly things.**

Agh! My eyes! would have been more appropriate. Parker had been miserable recently, the team suspected she was missing her toddler partner in crime, but then she disappeared for two days. Nate, Sophie, Eliot and Hardison had been down to the bar, there was nothing to celebrate particularly but they all needed a drink. When they returned and turned on the lights, they were blinded. Every empty flat surface was covered in shiny objects and in the centre, lying on the couch, was a still miserable Parker. A comment of "You're not a magpie!" was muttered but Parker looked so sad that no one else complained or commented. The sparkly things were gone by the morning and Parker's mood still hadn't improved but at least the rest of the team wasn't blinded every time they walked into the room.

**60. Someone cheer Parker up.**

A depressed thief was a miserable sight indeed and the team was reaching the limit of what they could take. It was dampening everyone's moods and they were at a loss as to what was causing her sadness and how to improve her foul mood.

**Addition to Rule 60. No! Not like that... well. At least it worked.**

Eliot had had a light bulb moment and somehow convinced Hardison to spar with and Parker and himself. What he didn't tell Hardison was that he actually meant against him and Parker together. The thief was in fits of giggles as the hacker squirmed and wriggled on the floor. Hardison took over Parker's sulking but at least he was easier to cheer up than the thief and she was no longer sulking.

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><p>I loved agents of S.H.I.E.L.D and for some reason couldn't get the idea out of my mind so rules 55-57 are inspired by that.<p>

Once again thanks to everyone that has reviewed this and special thanks to for inspiring rule 46 and to athea781 for inspiring rules 48, 51 and 58.

Hope you like this and sorry for this mistakes. It's unbeta'd.


	6. Rules 61-75

**61. Nate, we mean this in the nicest possible way, but sometimes you are just wrong.**

**Addition to Rule 61. And sometimes Parker is the voice of reason!**

The addition was written, surprisingly, in Nate's handwriting. The incident in the chicken factory had been messy and full of psychological damage, both to Nate and the chickens. The poor chickens would never be the same again. Parker had been the one to try and warn Nate, the others knew it was a lost cause. She was still wary of most animals and had been vehemently against Nate's plan and refused to have a part in it. She had also been the one back in the apartment when they got back, with Nate who was very much worse for wear and covered in feathers, with a knowing look on her face that said I told you so. It was a very worrying expression to see on Parker indeed. It didn't matter that Parker's reasoning wasn't quite right, they had come to expect things like that from Parker, and it just proved that sometimes she was the voice of reason. No one wanted to think too hard about that, it was just plain scary.

**62. Parker can dance. Don't doubt her.**

Given Parker's aversion to touching and her complete avoidance of any dancing, even at the insistence of Sophie that she tries, they all assumed that she would be incapable of dancing. They were wrong. When a job came up that needed someone to go undercover at a dance academy, all eyes were immediately on Sophie, but apparently, past dancing in clubs or at weddings, she hadn't quite mastered dancing. The others weren't sure how someone who was normally so coordinated could become so coordinated. She looked like a new born giraffe, Hardison helpfully pointed out, only to be pinned under Sophie's icy glare. He gulped and shuffled so the hitter was between them, who glared at him for involving him. Luckily for Hardison, they were distracted by a graceful movement in the corner of their eyes. Parker was twirling around the gym easily, switching from ballet to jazz then tap and many others. The other four's jaws dropped in shock, although maybe they should have expected it given the grace she operated with normally.

**Addition to Rule 62. But only when she wants to.**

After the job was done, Hardison, who still had a major crush on Parker, decided, in his infinite knowledge, to try and get Parker to dance with him. That was his first bad idea, with his second being to try and surprise Parker. The fork missed him by inches and Parker glared before marching off elsewhere, probably to bug Eliot for taking the mick out of her earlier.

**63. What idiot introduced Parker to country music?**

The blonde thief had been alternating between humming and full out singing Save a Horse Ride a Cowboy and gazing at Eliot. Poor Eliot wasn't quite sure what she was trying to do but he was getting quite flustered, which was completely against his nature. It was making the other three very uncomfortable as well, not to Eliot's extent for Nate and Sophie, but Hardison was very unhappy about it all. He didn't take the rejection from Parker very well, even though it had been his own fault, and for some reason he had now decided that it was Eliot's fault and was giving him vicious glares at any moment he could. Parker's singing was only making matters worse. Nate and Sophie were wondering where they could take cover when it all exploded.

**64. Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D is just a TV programme, Hardison. You cannot send death threats to Joss Whedon just because you don't like the way season one ended and you can't insist that they issue a retraction and re film it with the "correct" ending.**

Hardison could still be heard muttering about the injustices of it and how Agent Grant Ward was like an Eliot like May was and that he would not stand for Eliot being called a traitor. Everyone was now sure that Hardison was way too invested in his TV programmes and video games but Eliot was oddly pleased with the backhanded compliment from the hacker. Now all they had to do was stop Hardison from threatening any more people and find some way to apologise for all the emails that he had already sent and, you know, just find a way to STOP THEM REPORTING HIM TO THE POLICE, YOU IDIOT HARDISON. Eliot was now also muttering, and shouting!

**65. Who let him find the Avengers?!**

Hardison had found the film and was now even angrier. He was taking the apparent death of Phil Coulson like a personal insult and was insisting that it was like them trying to kill Nate. On the other hand he was now alternating between calling Nate Agent Coulson, AC or Captain; he was hero worshipping Tony Stark and had decided that Parker was like a more awesome Black widow, in his own words. Parker hadn't taken that too well; she was insisting that she was nothing like the agent and that it was an insult to her personally. Hardison was hiding but, unfortunately he had taken his DVDs with him.

**66. Don't break Hardison's DVDs. It's dangerous.**

Why the case had been left open on the floor was anyone's guess, but they decided it was Hardison's own fault. He had been the one to leave it there and he had been the one to trample on it with his big feet, as Eliot put it. The avengers DVD shattered under his feet and, rather than having an outburst of anger like they expected, he just burst into floods of tears. The other four looked majorly disturbed by this before Nate, Eliot and Parker unanimously decided that this was Sophie's field and left as quickly as possible to Sophie's mutters of traitors and she tried to console a horrified Hardison.

**67. Parker is not allowed near sharp pointy objects of any kind. EVER.**

The other four had been distracted with something or other down at the bar. They had only left her alone for a short period of time and in that time she had managed to get the darts and start playing. It wasn't that she wasn't accurate because she was; it was just that she had no concept of right time, right place. Well, no one could have predicted to goons that would come barging into the bar but they really should have expected it given the number of people they had managed to anger now. Eliot was handling it very well until one got behind him and had a gun. Eliot was too busy with the others to see him, but before the others could shout or intervene, three darts flew through the air in quick succession. The first hit the goon's hand, causing him to drop the gun in shock and some pain. The second hit him straight in the butt as he leaned down to pick the gun up again, stopping him once again. The third, however, was a little rouge.

Everyone has a rouge dart once in a while, some more than others *cough*Sophie*cough* but Parker got really unlucky as, just as he knocked out the last goon, the dart struck Eliot in the butt. That should really have been her clue to run for the hills but she then decided to inform him that she had saved his life and then offer to help him remove the dart with, what everyone assumed was her attempt at a suggestive look. No one was sure if she was trying to wind up Hardison or actually try to flirt with Eliot. Eliot growled ad ripped it out, throwing it into the floor a couple of inched from Parker's feet. Seeing her still standing there, Sophie dragged her out but even she could be heard laughing at the outraged expression on their hitter's face.

**68. Hardison, MY apartment needs to be maintained. Do not leave your nasty food and drink everywhere and keep your feet off of my furniture if you value your life. And clean it up.**

Nate was not impressed when they all came back from their recon parts of the job to find Hardison sprawled all over the couch with cheesy snacks leaving powder everywhere and drink spilled on the table. When he didn't even notice his glare, Nate stormed to the kitchen scribbled the rule and slammed the cupboard door with enough force for it to reverberate around the apartment. Hardison jumped, only to knock over his orange soda everywhere. The others shook their heads and left him to the clean-up. He was next seen with marigolds on scrubbing the floor with Nate stood over him telling him he had missed a spot.

**69. Sophie put the handbag down.**

Nate was given odd looks. He probably should have told Sophie this rather than write it on the rule sheet where she may not see it for a while but that wasn't the point. Some woman had insulted Sophie's fashion sense at a shop and it was quite literally handbags at dawn. Nate tried to intervene but after getting a few rouge hits, he backed off. He still had some self-preservation instincts.

**70. I only need 90 minutes sleep a day. When I fall asleep DO NOT wake me.**

Sophie's emergency of a spider in the bathroom had not been received well by a sleepy Eliot with the worst bed head Sophie had ever seen. Her mouth started moving before her brain caught up and she almost face palmed when she said that to him. The growl was a warning and the stomps could be heard throughout the building, actually waking Hardison, who was just as scared of the spider as her if not more by the way he hid behind her, and Parker who rolled her eyes, called Hardison a sissy and the removed the spider and set it out the window. Apparently they had found an animal she wasn't afraid of.

**71. A fern leaf does not count as camouflage Parker. **

When Eliot had told her to camouflage herself, that was not at all what he had had in mind and he made that clear when he forcefully dragged her down from her shuffling with her face and upper body, it was a very big fern leaf, hidden by the fern. Eliot was a very grumpy hitter when he and Parker made it back and he vowed to do a survival course which caused winces from everyone else.

**72. Have you people never had to hide before?**

Scrawled under that was 'not in a damn forest we haven't'. That comment did nothing to improve the hitter's mood as the volume of the growling went up a notch. The survival course had been mandatory once again and even Nate was forced to join in this time as Eliot found him and dragged him back up into his own apartment by his collar. He probably shouldn't have bothered at all though as Sophie's suggestion was the best and even that didn't get Eliot's seal of approval. She had thought smearing make up on her face was a good idea until she realised she didn't really have any green colours. Her comment of 'isn't that what they do it the military' pushed the hitter over the edge and he stormed off for some quality time with his punching bag.

**73. Why is there a duck on the couch?**

No one knew how it got there and no one had any clues how to get it off. It seemed quite happy and had taken a shine to all of the team, especially Parker who, after initially being the most suspicious of it, had also taken a shine to it. Hardison checked the security footage and it appeared to have just walked, or should it be waddled, in on its own and settled on the couch. Nate wanted rid of it but Parker brought out the puppy dog eyes that she had just mastered thanks to Sophie and the duck stayed. Parker and the duck disappeared off to have a tour and she could be heard muttering about the vents again.

**74. Good lord! What is that noise?**

Turned out, Parker in the vents, silent and sneaky, duck in the vents, very noisy. The noise freaked everyone out for a week until they made the discovery and in that time they had been checking very appliance in the apartment, as well as the electricals, the water and the pipes. Nate had also gained a new and incredibly loud alarm clock as the duck quacked in his ear to wake him up ten minutes before his alrm was due to go off. After a near miss when Nate nearly hit the bird to silence it, it took to quacking from the vents where it magnified even more. The duck must have had an alarm clock though, as it always woke him up ten minutes before his alarm no matter what time he set it for. If Nate didn't know better this was revenge for wanting to get rid of him and that looked suspiciously like a smirk on the duck's face.

**75. No Parker, they do not give thieves rankings like they do sports teams.**

Parker had decided that she needed to make sure of being ranked world's number one thief and so was trying to steal as much as she could in the shortest space of time. How she had even gotten that idea in the first place no one knew but all fingers were being pointed at Nate as he had that guilty look. They soon found out though, due to Sophie's ... persuasive ... tactics. Apparently he had been caught up in a football game when Parker had plonked down on the sofa next to him and started asking about everything and not really understanding the answers she got. To get her to go away, Nate resorted to telling her that the rankings were like who was the best thief and they had competitions to decide who was better. Parker had scurried off pretty quickly after and Nate had thought nothing of it until later when he heard something of a thief challenging others to thief offs for the number one thief world ranking. From Sophie's contacts, it even seemed that she was gong international with this and they had to wonder how many contacts Parker actually had and how she had them in so many different places. She wasn't known for her people skills after all. They eventually put a stop to it all but Parker was very miffed.

**Addition to Rule 75. No, no ... I mean if there was one you would definitely win it. Don't do that... no...**

Parker was more than miffed. She was very, very upset and quite angry. No one was quite sure what she had done to Nate but by the way he looked haunted and was always looking over his shoulder and inching away from the blonde thief they were all worried. The smug grin on her face was also disturbing but for their own sanity, no one questioned it.

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><p>Thanks once again to athea781 for the inspiration for rule 61 and rules 64 and 65 are crossovers with Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D and the Avengers respectively. Thanks go to everyone who has reviewed this and sorry for all the mistakes as it is unbeta'd.<p> 


	7. Rules 76-85

**76. Nate, put the candlestick down!**

Nate had had a rather rude awakening when the vent that the duck had been sat on suddenly gave way below it and it feel straight onto Nate's chest. A brief struggle ensued in which Nate managed to fall off the bed and crack his head on the bedside table. In his following daze, he grabbed the nearest weapon to face his attacker, which just happened to be a candlestick. The candle flew out and lodged itself directly in Nate's shoe somehow. He swung blindly to try and catch his assailant but failed. Sophie rushed in after hearing shouts and crashes, only to see Nate swinging blindly with a candlestick in his hand and the duck sitting on the bed with an expression that, if she didn't know better, looked to be bemused. Sophie shook her head and closed the door behind her, going to add the rule, find Eliot and get a phone to film Nate's uncoordinated movements.

**77. Don't you dare touch that duck!**

Nate was still rather bitter over the morning incident and the duck was in his way. So maybe his boot found the duck's behind but that wasn't his fault was it and it was only a light tap (no, really, it was). The next moment, however, a very irate looking Parker stormed in and scooped the duck up, who appeared to be ... was it actually purring ... or sort of rumbling, glared and marched off, duck tucked firmly under her arm. Nate never risked touching the duck like that again. It didn't bite him but it glared at him occasionally to remind him of its ally and after many weeks with it, Nate had no doubt that that duck could exact its own revenge.

**78. Aaagh! Ouch, ouch, ouch! Who put a candle in my shoe?!**

The duck didn't need to do anything in revenge. All it had to do was wait until Nate to put on a particular pair of shoes and be there to witness it. And if Nate got all the more frustrated by the duck sitting in his room, watching him closely, then it was all the better. As Nate rammed his foot into his shoe, it connected hard and painfully with the rather large candle in his shoe. There was cursing, jumping and shouting, all while that duck sat, watching on and looking undeniably smug. Nate stumbled down the stairs quickly with one shoe on and the other foot throbbing, and went straight to the cupboard. Sophie read the rule over his shoulder, giggling to herself before informing him that it was his own fault and that maybe he should be nicer to the duck. When Nate finally managed to hobble back up the stairs, he found the duck sat by his shoe with the candle in front of it. Despite feeling incredibly stupid, Nate thanked the duck for removing the offending candle and looked even more concerned when the duck seemed to smile slightly then waddle off.

**79. ****Sophie, we've been over this one already. Eliot's job is to keep as all from harm DURING A JOB. He can do whatever he wants to in his free time.**

Eliot was less than impressed when Sophie announced to him that he spent too much time indoors and that he needed to get out more. He had been patient at first, explaining the threats of the outside world and the amount of enemies that he had made in his considerable time as a hitter that would take any opportunity to attack him when he was out in the open, but Sophie was having none of it and bulldozed right over his speech, preaching about the benefits of fresh air and sunshine to the body. Eliot gave up and started growling again, that normally scared the others off, well, except Parker who seemed to think it was his equivalent of purring and was delighted when he started. To be honest, considering the strange purr of their duck, she wasn't thinking too strangely for that one!

**Addition to Rule 79. And he most definitely is NOT your personal body guard!**

Eliot had added under that "I don't care how violent it gets during a 'blow-out sale'. I am NOT going to beat up ladies just for you to get 45% off! I don't care if they've got menswear and I do not need to dress smarter!" The hitter rarely ever used exclamation marks and he never used capitals so it showed just how annoyed he was. Sophie used that reasoning to excuse dragging the hitter out with her to protect her during the sale at Macy's sale, claiming his enemies would never find him in Macy's. "For good reason," Eliot had muttered under his breath before getting dragged out the door by his collar. Eliot didn't know what hit him when Sophie got an idea in his mind. He knew full well what had hit him at Macy's though! Two little old ladies were clearly old hands at this and had spotted a newbie. Eliot was pummelled with their purses that had BRICKS! in them. Eliot was also unimpressed when Sophie said she was in danger. It had turned out the only danger had been of her losing one of her bargains from her pile.

Things got worse when he thugs started appearing and trying to get to Eliot though the seas of people who were still frantically trying to grab bargains. Fortunately for Eliot and unfortunately for them they encountered the two little innocent looking old ladies. They weren't very happy about being pushed roughly out the way and showed their displeasure by introducing the men to the bricks in their purses in the most painful area possible. Eliot watched with some sympathy, what?! that had to hurt, and a lot of surprise and the thugs received synchronised wallops causing them to crumple to the floor, eyes watering, before the ladies, looking pleased with themselves, swung their purses back onto their shoulders and marched off to scare people elsewhere. Eliot took the opportunity to drag Sophie out of the store and hurry back to the apartment with her complaining the whole way about the missed bargains.

**80. Parker, always remember this and never forget it if you value your life. When you are teaching the boys to rappel, do NOT pull the groin strap too tight. Men are EXTREMELY sensitive there and it's NOT funny to watch them roll around on the floor! Hardison still sounds squeaky when he talks and it's been a week.**

Parker's comments of "Who knew it took so little to bring Eliot down," and then "Get up you wimps, rappelling is easy," were greatly unappreciated. Even though he had said it wasn't, watching the boys walk funning did make them all chuckle a bit especially as Parker was so innocent, or at least pretended to be (Eliot was sure she was pretending by the smirks she gave him), to what she had done. Sophie had added that it was rather humorous when Eliot talked like Hefty Smurf after the incident and Nate tended to agree, although he would never say that aloud. It appeared Sophie was indeed still better over the Macy's incident given that comment and her general lack of sympathy for Eliot's distress. She had desperately wanted that dress. Hardison was still glaring at Parker but no one could take him seriously when his voice was still significantly higher than it had been. Hardison was also annoyed that he was being ignored. He didn't know what was going on but would a bit of sympathy kill them, man. Or maybe an apology Parker!

**Addition to Rule 80. Yes, sometimes it is funny to embarrass the boys and they do need grounding now and again, but do try and control yourself slightly. Deep heat is a medicine not a toy and it BURNS!**

Sophie knew Parker was just trying to help. Enough said about that really. The grounding of the boys was rather amusing at time though. When Parker had them attached to a rope, well, the grounding tended to be more literal, and rather hard and bumpy.

**81. Achoo! No ... achoo ... more flowers! Hay fever!**

Hardison was sneezing, his eyes were running and his nose was very red. He was a very miserable hacker while a guilty Sophie removed all of the fresh pollen filled flowers she had brought in and closed some of the open windows to stop all the pollen blowing in from the outside. Turned out the hacker was quite allergic and his hay fever was very strong in the summer with all the pollen around. That was confirmed by the gigantic mound of tissues that had grown and the disgruntled duck with a tissue on its head.

**82. We are not calling the duck 'Quack Quack'. In fact, we are not naming it at all. It's a duck.**

Nate received glares from Sophie and Hardison, who both appeared to have taken a shine to the duck, but by far the most powerful glares came from Parker and the duck. Nate looked to Eliot for back up but the hitter just shrugged, seeming indifferent to the name. He also seemed to have a soft spot for the feathered menace and had been seen on many occasions sitting in comfortable silence at night reading with the duck by his side sometimes even resting its head on the hitter like a cat or dog would. Of course, no one was brave enough to tell the hitter what a cute sight it made. They all cringed imagining his reaction to that one.

**Addition to Rule 82. Quack Quack it is then. Quack for short.**

Nate relented eventually, not that he had much choice in the matter in the first place considering Parker seemed to have taken ownership of the duck, hence the name, and was protecting it fiercely. He could just imagine it, next they would be taking it ... sorry Parker, she ... out to the park for a walk and be calling Quack to get it to come back to them. Oh well, people already thought they were strange, might as well just confirm that for them.

**83. I ain't going in no water! I'm like a tiger.**

"So basically you're scared," was scrawled under. Parker had insisted they go swimming and was taking Quack with them but Hardison was having absolutely none of it. Eliot thought that he just couldn't swim but Hardison was denying that vehemently, although he didn't have a reason as to why he wasn't swimming. He was dragged down to the pool anyway and was fine until Parker pushed him in. Limbs flailed everywhere until he finally realised he was in the shallow end and could stand up. He ended up being called scaredy cat for the next month and Sophie had been recording so that promised embarrassment for months to come.

**84. Stop following me! It is none of your business where I go!**

Sophie was very unimpressed with Eliot and Parker's trailing. She was annoyed with herself for not spotting them until it was too late and annoyed at them for invading her privacy. Basically she was just angry that they had an incriminating video of her doing booty boot camp and boxercise classes. Their excuses where that they needed to know where she went in case they needed her for a job, they wanted to check how observant she was and that they needed to protect her and assess whether it was safe but Sophie angrily maintained that they were just nosy. In fact, some of her threats had been rather inspired but way too inappropriate to repeat in front of Hardison's innocent ears. Worse still Eliot had threatened the instructor in both of her classes, Parker had embarrassed her in front of everyone and Eliot was now insisting on observance boot camps for all of them. Sophie wasn't sure what was worse out of the three but it was safe to say she wouldn't be returning to those classes again.

**85. This is getting creepy now brah! You gotta stop. I mean it. Aaghh!**

Parker had passed with flying colours and had even managed to sneak up on Eliot several times. Nate had been a very quick study and already observant and Sophie was determined to stop Eliot from following her so the two of them quickly passed up to Eliot's standards, or as close to Eliot's standards as they could possibly get. Hardison was another matter whatsoever. He was very unobservant and didn't notice Parker or Eliot until they were literally right in front of his face and, if there was a gadget between him and them, he may not even notice them then. Eliot had taken to appearing out of nowhere to try and shock him into being observant but it wasn't working. He even snuck up on him while he was writing the rule with Parker joining in and hanging out of a vent in front of him. Hardison still maintained that they had given him a heart attack and that most definitely hadn't been a girly squeal he had let out, it must have been Parker ... no, sorry, not Parker ... it must have been a manly squeal, in fact it hadn't been a squeal at all, they must have been imagining it! And that they were taking years off his life! He was going to die young because of them.

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><p>I love Quack Quack so much now! I just can't stop writing rules with her in! Special thanks goes to athea781 for the inspiration for rules 79 and 80. Sorry for the mistakes, it's unbeta'd.<p> 


	8. Rules 86-90

**86. Sophie, Quack is not an accessory and is most definitely NOT to be put in your purse to be carried around like one of those designer dogs. Parker was devastated when she thought Quack had been stolen and she is now quite angry with you. You may want to hide.**

Sophie had taken to carrying Quack around in her purse like a fashion accessory. Not only did it draw unnecessary attention to her when they were meant to be keeping a low profile whilst not on a job, but also, Parker had discovered that her duck pet was missing and had been inconsolable for an hour before Hardison brought up the security footage to show Sophie had Quack with her. Parker had switched from sadness to anger in seconds and was now plotting her revenge. Quack didn't look best pleased about the turn of events either and Nate wasn't sure if Sophie should be more scared of what Parker was planning or what the duck would come up with. That thing was an evil mastermind, Nate was sure of it.

**87. I am NOT A DOG! My name is Eliot, NOT "SPARKY"! I am a man, I am a human being and I am most definitely NOT A PET. Stop leaving the doggie biscuits on my bed and replacing my beer with water because, and I quote, "alcohol is bad for dogs". I do not need flea powder in my bathroom and STOP TRYING TO PUT WORMING TABLETS IN MY FOOD!**

**Addition to Rule 87. And that it NOT a bad-a** leather choker with spikes and it is NOT cool. That is a dog collar. I'm not kidding! This is not funny!**

Parker was obviously more observant than people thought and had a very good sense of humour, or at least that was Nate, Sophie and Hardison's thoughts when they saw the irate Eliot in his collar. The snickers started and slowly they developed into full out laughter. Eliot's growling just intensified it further. Parker had slipped into Eliot's room while he had been asleep and changed everything into the doggy equivalent. There were the doggy treats he had found but he had yet to go into the shower where she had replaced his shampoo with doggy shampoo. The squeaky toys scattered around his room had also yet to be discovered. His flea powder had been found and disposed of angrily.

The loss of his beer had not been taken well by the hitter and he had proceeded to throw the water at the thief, who avoided it very well only for it to strike Hardison slap bang in the face, and stormed off to 'punch something ... or someone'. Thankfully Parker took the hint this time and didn't follow him so they didn't have to worry about it being her that got hit. Hardison, however, was still fuming about the water and the lack of sympathy from the others and disappeared to sulk and play video games.

The most amusing thing had been the dog collar. How Parker had managed to get it on Eliot without him waking was anyone's guess but she had managed it and now they had a fuming hitter on their hands, apparently Parker had had the foresight to add a little padlock to the collar to stop the hitter from just taking it off. She had put the key somewhere safe ... now if she could just remember where she put it ...

Eliot was in a foul mood the whole day especially as Hardison thought it would be funny to retire the apartment to bark every time Eliot spoke. The angry hitter reverted to sullen silence, growling quietly from the corner, too embarrassed to go out with that goddamn thing around his neck.

Later in the evening, everyone heard when the squeaky toys were found. The cursing and shouting was all they needed to hear before Parker smartly retreated to the relative safety of the air vents. Somehow she had managed to grab her box of lucky charms before she disappeared in there and the munching resonated through the apartment.

A shout caught all of their attentions later on and a short period of rattling later, a small silver key dropped on the floor in front of Eliot's feet. It was slightly sticky from the sugary cereal but it was the key none the less and Eliot almost thanked the thief before remembering that she had caused his predicament, growled and marched off.

Parker just hoped he wouldn't find her other surprises and wake everyone up. All the same, she may just have to sleep in the vents tonight. Better to be safe than sorry. It had all been amusing enough to give up her hidden sense of humour and her better knowledge of what was going on around her.

Sadly yet luckily for Parker, Eliot didn't find her other surprises although they would be sure to hear about it when he did. Hardison, however, had forgotten to change the programming back and Eliot was taken by surprise when he rolled over in his sleep and was barked at by his alarm clock. Hardison awoke to see a very angry and tired hitter standing over him in the dark, glaring and growling. He was not happy that, once again, his ninety minutes sleep had been disturbed. No one had ever seen the hacker move so fast before as he shot out of bed as if he was rocket propelled, although, knowing Hardison, that was very possible. Nate and Sophie were angry at being woken but were soon laughing as the petrified hacker was chased around the apartment by Eliot in his Iron Man boxers.

**88. We never speak of the boxers again.**

Hardison had received a rather large amount of mocking from all of the team for his boxers and he was rather embarrassed. the Iron Man spam had been cool at first but now it was just annoying and distracting. It was clogging up his devices, man! The boxers had meant to be a secret but that damn hitter and his grudges that had to be dealt with at 3am when he had been sleeping peacefully, dreaming lovely dreams about technology and ruling the world, age of the geek baby, when he had been awoken and his secret exposed to the light of day... or the light bulb considering the UNGODLY HOUR. YOU WOKE ME AT 3AM!

**89. Parker has contacts. And friends. It's terrifying.**

The team had been completely shocked when the thief had pulled out an old flip phone during a briefing and started to call someone. Hardison was horrified at the age of the thing and was trying to chastise Parker for not using the new smartphone that he had provided her with. Parker just ignored him completely, only briefly stopping and covering the mic of the phone to tell him that it was her burner phone and that she didn't like that new thing because Hardison was tracking her with it. He at least had the good graces to look ashamed and leave her alone but the other three were left gaping and wondering what she didn't want Hardison to find out about.

Parker then proceeded to have a brief conversation in her bright and bubbly tone with someone she called Neal. They seemed to be catching up for a bit before Parker asked a few questions that were related to their case and then hung up, not before stating that she would call later so they could catch up. At the questioning looks she said, "What? He's an expert."

There were a few questions as to what he was an expert of but Parker didn't seem willing to share any more information and so they left her well alone. As it turned out, her contact/friend's insight had been spot on and very helpful with their job. It also took them to New York.

The job went without a hitch but Parker kept disappearing and coming back looking very happy. She also seemed to be winking at someone occasionally as they passed people but, whenever the team looked, all they saw was a flash of a hat and a smart suit. Eliot would swear they weren't being followed as well.

**90. I can speak and understand many different languages and dialects just as you can. I, however, do NOT speak 'growling'! If you want to say something, use your words! You are not a three year old so act your age, not your shoe size. Think about it ... Maybe if you growled less the rule 87 wouldn't have been an issue now would it? Even Parker and Hardison are more articulate than you.**

The thief and hacker were not impressed by that last statement in the slightest. Nate, however, was too worked up too acre. He was fed up with their resident hitter's growling whenever he felt like it. If he didn't want to be treated like a pet then he should damn well learn not to act like one. Even pre-schoolers could use their words so what made it so hard for Eliot. What made things worse is the hitter expected them to understand what he was saying, or growling, and got even angrier when they didn't. He was not a mind reader and he sure as hell did not speak growling so Eliot was just going to have to grow up and start acting like an was rather worried that Nate was going to blow a fuse with how worked up he was getting with his rant. His face had also gone an interesting shade of red and Parker and Hardison were now sat in the corner out of the way, snickering quietly about it. Sophie did have to admit that his rant was rather a good one. Shame Eliot was out at the moment and wasn't here to hear it!

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><p>See who can guess who Parker's contact is. The first person to guess correctly will be mentioned in the next chapter along with the answer. Thanks once again to athea781 for the inspiration behind rules 87 and 90. Sorry for mistakes, it's unbeta'd again. Hope you like it.<p> 


	9. Rules 91-99

**91. Stop with the SPIDERSSSS! I said I'm sorry!**

Sophie had been ambushed by an army of fake spiders as she was writing the rule. Parker had found her form of revenge for the kidnapping of Quack and she was determined to make the grifter pay in the worst way possible. Little plastic spiders and some rather large, furry but fake spiders. They had been found in the shower, Sophie's bed, the biscuit tin (which had scared the hell out of Hardison), on the couch, in Sophie's books, on the floor and in many different other places as well.

Sophie was absolutely petrified of spiders and screamed and squealed whenever she saw one, real or fake. Parker was sure it was worth several missed nights of sleep, other angry teammates who had had their sleep disturbed and the extra miles she crawled in the vents just to get her revenge.

Sophie was in a constant state of hyperawareness and was constantly checking the area around her, although what she was expecting to find, no one knew. Parker wasn't exactly subtle about her attacks.

**Addition to Rule 91. That wasn't me!**

Nature also seemed to be getting its own revenge! The team had assembled for a briefing and, thanks to several relatively peaceful days, Sophie was much less on edge and was sipping quietly on a cup of tea. All of a sudden, the peace was disrupted by one small spider. It had been happily living on its web on the ceiling, largely undisrupted in general, until a rather large gust of wind through an open window caused it to fall towards a watery grave. Its thread caused it to stop just above the raised mug, right in front of Sophie's face. There was a second's pause and then the brunette let out an almighty squeal and the mug of tea went flying. The scalding liquid came down rapidly, splashing an irate hitter and an indignant hacker, but missing the petrified grifter as she jumped around, violently swatting at where she assumed the spider to be. The nimble thief had leapt out of the way and was now vehemently denying that this was any of her doing.

Nate had been out of the danger zone and was just calmly watching the scene unfold before his eyes and the poor spider was just dangling there wondering what she had done to deserve this. So maybe she ate one too many flies yesterday but she wasn't that bloated, she was just having on off day! That was why getting back up to her web was seeming lot harder than normal!

**92. When asked what we do for a living, the correct answer is NOT, and I quote, "We're big damn heroes, sir!" We were very lucky that the officer had a sense of humour and a great love of Firefly.**

Sophie was despairing. Nate was just as bad as the other three and was chancing their luck a little thin with that statement. The team had managed to agree on a programme to watch together and it seemed that Firefly had been a hit with everyone on the team, maybe too much of one for some of them! The officer had found the quote very amusing and appreciated being called sir, even if Nate hadn't quite aimed it at him like that. Sophie had quickly covered by saying that they worked for a charity and explained that they were on a job and mentioned something about orphans and the elderly. The officer had let them go straight away, that comment always worked a treat when they needed to get out of a tricky situation with someone who didn't know who they were. As much as Sophie loved Firefly, it had to be put on hold for a bit until Nate could be trusted not to do anything stupid again. The other three were very disappointed by this and Sophie and Nate were on the receiving end of many glares.

**93. NO MORE HALLOWEEN COSTUMES!**

How Parker had managed it was anyone's guess but Nate and Sophie suspected that bribery had been involved. The three 'kids' were all lined up in front of their adoptive parents, Eliot and Hardison angry and Parker still very chipper and cheerful. It appeared that she had, somehow, coerced the other two into dressing up with her for Halloween. It also appeared that she had chosen their outfits if the looks on their faces and what they were wearing were anything to go by.

Parker was dressed in something like one of her black catsuits but under the arms there was stretchy black material and she had drawn on a black nose in what Sophie and Nate assumed was an attempt to replicate the face of a bat if the rest of her outfit was anything to go by. She actually looked quite good and very cute indeed with messy, tousled blond hair and rosy pink cheeks, presumably from excitement and avoiding getting attacked by the angry boys.

Next in the line of three, much to Hardison's annoyance, was Eliot whose outfit nearly had the two adults bursting into laughter. He had been forced; they knew Eliot too well to think he would have ever put that on willingly, into a rather snug cowboy outfit that may have been one or two sizes too small for him. He had a skin tight black shirt on that may have been lycra, very tight black pants, cowboy boots and hat and a lasso attached to the waist band of the pants. Parker just smirked at the questioning look and called Eliot 'Captain Tight Pants' which only served to worsen his mood and severely anger the hacker whose eyes were shining with poorly hidden jealousy.

Speaking of Hardison, his outfit was a mite baffling but no one knew what went on in that crazy mind of Parker's so it was left well alone. Upon his head was a pointy witches hat and he was dressed in a floor length, lacy witches dress complete with a rather ratty broomstick and a stuffed cat. This was all topped off by a knotted lopsided wig that appeared to half staying on, half falling off of his head. That did it for Nate and Sophie who burst into uncontrollable laughter while Hardison stalked off to sulk. Parker, meanwhile, had migrated to the vents as usual and was hanging upside down from them with her arms spread looking very much like a bat if it wasn't for her long blonde hair trailing below her. Nate and Sophie were surprised she hadn't gone for a cat but there was always next year...

**94. Banana skins are damn dangerous, stop leaving them around on the floor!**

Nate wasn't sure where they were all coming from but he'd lost count of the number of times he had trodden on one of those damn things and gone flying, skidding around the apartment, looking like a madman as he frantically tried to regain balance. He had tried to watch for the culprit, hiding behind the couch and peering over the edge occasionally before ducking back down suddenly. Parker and Eliot watched him from the doorway in confusion before coming to the conclusion that he had finally cracked and went to find Sophie. She marched down the stair and demanded that Nate get up and stop being so ridiculous. He had only taken three steps before he went flying again. As he flapped his arms hopelessly, Nate caught sight of that duck sat on its duck bed (it was really a cat bed but Parker insisted that it was a duck bed so the others went along with it) looking very pleased with itself and eating the remains of a rather mangled banana. Nate glared at it for a brief moment before he went crashing head first into the wall. That duck was a menace.

**95. I have had enough! It is aluminium foil not aluminum foil, it is spelt colour not color, those are sofa's not couches, they are called trousers not pants unless you are only wearing your underwear to go out today and that is not football goddamn it. The clue is in the name! Foot. Ball. You use your feet not your hands!**

Sophie had finally snapped. She wasn't that precious about British traditions, she had been living in America for years now, and, even though she enjoyed a cup of tea now and then, she kept very little else up but this got on her last nerve. Her rant had been very impressive, delivered suddenly in the middle of a briefing had caught Nate completely off guard, so much so that he ended up just stood there with his jaw hanging down as he stared at her. Sophie huffed at the shocked expressions and stormed off.

**96. FIREWORKS DON'T GO INDOORS! STOP! Uh oh! EVERYONE TAKE COVER!**

The fireworks had come out of nowhere but Parker seemed delighted with them and hurried off, muttering plans under her breath. That should have been the first warning but the others were too busy to take notice. They finally took notice when the fireworks were all lined up indoors and set ready to go off. There were many flashbacks to the blowtorch incident as they all tried to stop Parker from setting them alight. They were torn between rushing over and stopping her and taking cover somewhere and waiting it out. Nate, Sophie and Hardison decided to be brave and push Eliot forwards towards Parker.

Parker paused at the shouts but Quack made up their minds. How a duck managed to strike a match, set the fireworks alight and drag itself and Parker behind the couches to safety was anyone's guess but Eliot was too busy attempting to stamp out the fire. He was a bit too late though as the fireworks started. Most were Catherine Wheels and static fireworks which limited the damage but poor Eliot ended up getting chased around the room by a rouge rocket. When it was all over, Parker and Quack were nowhere to be seen but the others weren't so worried, Nate had to explain to the neighbours and the cops that it was just a small mishap whilst Eliot stomped around cursing the thief and the duck under his breath with scorched trousers still on.

**97. A broken little finger is very lucky compared to what she could have done to you. When are you going to learn?**

Hardison had been hitting on Parker again but with a lot less subtlety than usual. The others were convinced he had some kind of death with and surreptitiously removed all of the cutlery from the vicinity to stop the murder of the hacker. It was only when they got a little closer that they realised that the hacker was slightly tipsy which accounted for his bravery. The next thing they knew, there was a girly squeal from the hacker which, on second thoughts sounded more like a trapped pig, and Parker was stalking off in the direction of the gym.

After some not so subtle prodding (he didn't have a death wish), Eliot followed after her while Nate and Sophie dealt with Hardsion who had sobered up some thanks to the pain he now appeared to be in. Sophie attempted to be sympathetic but Nate was much more realistic as told Hardison that he brought these things upon himself.

The next day, with his finger strapped up, Hardison was looking very sorry for himself but was told that he could still work and to get back to it!

**98. New rule. Shoes are to be taken off at the door. I will not have any more mud trekked through here.**

Sophie was living up to her reputation of the mother of the group again and she was keeping a tight ship. Nate had resisted at first. It was his apartment, who was she to tell him what to do in his own space. The others just looked at him like he had grown another head and snuck off to hide from the inevitable storm when Sophie found out that someone wasn't keeping to her rules. The next day Nate was found sat on the couch pouting, feet bare apart from a pair of neon coloured striped socks. Snickers erupted as they all shuffled off to get breakfast.

**99. Be careful what you wish for...**

They had wished for a day of peace and quiet and they had gotten it. Hardison had gone to a convention somewhere, Eliot was sat quietly in his office reading a book that had to be over 2000 pages long and Sophie and Nate were relaxing in the living area, revelling in the peace that was surrounding them. For some reason no one wondered where the blonde thief and her feathered companion where.

It was evening by the time they started to wonder and by 10pm they were very worried and had called Hardison back to track her whereabouts. Five minutes later, however, a wet, muddy, dirty and very angry thief stormed into the apartment (without taking her shoes off as well!) followed by a indistinguishable lump of mud with two beady eyes. Four pairs of eyes stared at them in shock before Nate got the courage to ask what had happened.

Parker's response was not at all what they had expected. She and Quack had stumbled across a mob meeting in a warehouse near her own and had been kidnapped and questioned relentlessly all day until they escaped and had to crawl though sewers and woods to escape their pursuers before Parker took them out and left them tied to trees on the outskirts of the woods. None of the others believed her but if that wasn't mud then it would certainly explain the stench.

Parker was furious that no one believed her and stormed off to clean herself and Quack up and then hid in the vents for the rest of the night, the smell still emanating off of her so spreading throughout the apartment and causing the others to gag but they were too scared of her to say anything. She was still in the vents the next morning when the others turned the television on over breakfast. To say they were shocked with what they saw would be an understatement. The scenes that Parker described were playing out in front of them on the screen, down to the details of what they were wearing and the questionable marks on the mob goons' ankles that looked suspiciously like duck bites.

Parker stalked through with an air of I told you so and disappeared with a flick of a blonde ponytail whilst Quack waddled after her, hissing at their ankles threateningly as they passed them. They all agreed that they never wanted that to happen again and that maybe they should trust Parker a bit more...

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><p>Congrats to <em>gshattuck<em> for being the first person to get the right answer from the last chapter. As many of you got right, it was indeed Neal Caffrey from White Collar and _Jem_, I want to write other stories about Parker and Neal when I get rid of my writer's block and have some time! _Tacodestroyeravenger,_ I would love the idea of Parker knowing mozzy and I must add a rule about that. Thank you all so much for the lovely reviews. You are all keeping me going! Next up is 100!


	10. Rule 100

**100. We're very sorry!**

Parker was still very upset with the team for forgetting about her and not believing her and the team hadn't seen her for days. They were so worried and all Hardison's tracking devices were pointing to a warehouse near the one that a mob gang had been discovered in a few days ago thanks to an anonymous tip off so they all decided to go down there.

It was a fairly large building on the outside that seemed to be well protected. There was security cameras like every other building but when you looked closer there were more hidden and better quality devices. The building was doing a good job of looking normal but actually being better protected than buildings with secrets to hide. They knocked on the door several times but there was no answer. They were convinced that Parker was in there however as Eliot caught a flicker of a camera out of the corner of his eye and was sure that Parker was watching them and ignoring them.

The team decided to split up and whilst Hardison tried to hack the camera feeds and any other electrics, Sophie stayed at the front door and tried to lure Parker out and Nate and Eliot took a side each to try and find another way in. That is when the barrage of stinking water and manure started on all of them. All four were covered in questionable substances that seemed to have been triggered by motion at a certain point at a certain time. How Parker knew where they would be and when they didn't know and it was quite scary.

Nate and Eliot failed to find a side or back door by which to enter the warehouse by and re-joined a dripping Sophie and Hardison at the front of the building. Hardison was trying his best to hold his nerve as he moved his dripping laptop out of the danger area and went back to the others. Parker was obviously upset and they needed to face what she was going to put them through.

They were all taking turns to try and coax and placate the thief when the next assault occurred. Sticky green liquid coated them completely from head to toe and then the doors opened. The four looked at each other, shocked and took a step forward only to see four large fans with tables in front covered in fluff, cotton wool and feathers. They were frozen to the spot as the fans whirred into life and the assorted fluff stuck to them, making them look like big, mismatched chickens. Still, there was no sign of the blonde thief or her pet duck.

They split in two to go either side of the fans and ended up split off in two temporary partitioned corridors, Eliot and Hardison in one and Sophie and Nate in the other. Eliot and Hardison encountered problems almost immediately with a hidden layer of marbles that sent the two flying wildly and crashing around into walls. Almost immediately they found themselves stuck fast and very wobbly. They looked down only to find that they had two Mega Blocks crates on wheels full of glue stuck to their feet and they were struggling to stay upright all over again.

Meanwhile, Nate and Sophie were having a relatively easy time of it until sprinklers started to assault them with freezing cold water and what smelt like off milk. Once they cleared the area they ran into a section of cobwebs. Sophie's scream must have been audible in the next state it was so loud and piercing. Nate would most definitely attest to that as his ears were ringing with her scream. As she blindly thrashed about, she hit the next obstacle which just happened to be layer upon layer of saran wrap. Quickly she became stuck, dragging Nate in with her.

Back with Hardison and Eliot, they had reached two doors. They both shuffled and slid and skated over to a door each and on the count of three, they tugged them open. Eliot saw Parker's living area but then heard a groan across from him. He looked over to see Hardison crumpled on the floor and a mechanised boxing glove swinging loosely from where it had been released.

Sophie and Nate finally broke free from most of the saran wrap although they were still covered in it and cobwebs and Sophie was twitching and flinching at every small movement, waiting for the spiders to make their appearance.

Eliot managed to haul Hardison to his feet, or wheels as they were still stuck, and drag them both through the other open door only to see Sophie and Nate emerging from the other side looking worse for wear. Suddenly Eliot and Hardison were falling again as their wheels caught the piece of wood that was nailed to the bottom of the door frame.

Sophie and Nate helped them up again and they all looked around to find the blonde thief but there was no sign of her anywhere. A piece of cream coloured card was sat on the bed which Nate spotted and picked up. The only thing written on it in cursive writing was '_Go outside and look up_'.

The four struggled back down Nate and Sophie's corridor, much to her disgust, dragging a still moaning Hardison with them as they went. When they finally got outside they looked up to the building across the street to see the blonde thief sat there with a laptop, a remote control, snacks and Quack giving them a cheeky wave. They should be angry, no really they should, she had put them through the ringer, but they were just relieved to her well and they deserved some of what they got for not helping her when she got kidnapped and not believing her although she might do well to avoid the boys for a while until they were unstuck!

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><p>I can't believe I am at 100 rules! Many thanks to all of those people reading this who have taken the time to review it keep me going and thanks to everyone who has suggested ideas for different rules. I will get around to writing them all eventually, they are all amazing.<p>

I had a really nice font for the Go outside and look up bit but it wouldn't take it on here so if you want to see in, go into Microsoft Word and find the font 'AR DECODE'. It was how I imagined Parker's writing to be. If you like this and want to see more, please review. They keep me writing :)


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